Love

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not boastful or proud.

We all know these words like our Mama's cooking. How many of us really live it out? I know I don't. There are some people in my life I dislike to such a degree that it literally poisons my soul and keeps my heart locked up with anger and misunderstanding.

Freedom of the heart comes when you forgive people who have wronged you, ask forgiveness from those you've wronged and stop being pissed at people who didn't ask your forgiveness when they should have. How can we give our hearts to someone else if it's not free from the confines of our own misunderstanding and bitterness?

I have learned if I do not give freely of my heart and hold a person to my ideals and standards, it will never be more than a moment of selfishness that eventually blossoms into spite. While no one is me, they are are not no one. I cannot hold others down to what I think they should be.

I am learning through myself, my dear friends and my mistakes that love is not ever going to be what we seek it to be. Love is what happens when we stop trying to control it. It's a force that pulls us together when we think our hearts have been emptied. But it's when we're empty that we can be open to be filled up with something new.

My love and strength are renewed when I think I've been broken because it's then I recognize the people in my life who fill the holes people have made in my heart. Love is not what we make of it but what it makes of us. It's the friends we make who become family and lovers who become friends.

Let's hold each other close. Love one another like it's the last time we'll ever love and bring in each new day with passion and joy. Doing or giving less is robbing yourself and those around you of a potential last second, moment, hour, day, week, month or year of fulfillment. We have to stop being each other's own worst enemy.

The Breast Exchange

Aww.... Jeese...

I am not the most "natural" of motherly mothers. Not by any stretch of the word. I believe in diapers that are not cloth, immunizations, Tylenol and most of all... Formula - when necessary!

Apparently there is some sort of hippie craze going on where women pump breast milk for mothers who cannot. Double gross out!!!!!????

Point one. We live in a sick, sick world. What kind of twisted, sick, shit could you possibly put out there on a lactation exchange? You just never know. Ex? Arsenic? Pine Sol? A sick joke???? How in the WORLD could you have a clear conscience about feeding your baby something the FDA didn't approve, hasn't been homogenized or pasteurized?

Point two. Isn't that an intimate sort of mother/child bonding thing? Is there nothing sacred anymore you don't share with a bunch of strangers? And WHY would you advertise that to share with other people???? Oh yeah ladies, I'm a waterfall of boob splooge for your pleasure... WTF???

I Often Wonder....

I am a very blessed woman. As much as I talk, share and listen, it does not get more simple or complex than that statement right there. I have amazing genetic family, procured family and extended family... e.g.: friends. Anything beneath that does not exist in my world.

People around me are experiencing tragedies, heartache and loss. Sometimes unexplainable things happen. I think it's a test from some sort of force to make sure we don't become complacent and continue to feel. But at what cost? Who decides when to make the hurt stop or begin and why? Is there a mean kid with a magnifying glass burning down the ant hill?

Life must be more than a battle between good and evil. I don't believe in devils and angels sitting on our shoulders possessing our thoughts and actions. What happened in time or thought to make us so pained, afflicted, apathetic, unaffected, or dare I say it...??? Happy?

What drives the human condition to pain, fear, mediocrity, complacence, boredom, serenity and eventual happiness? Is it a process of emerging from sadness? What kind of life is that really? Do you have to start from nothing and constantly build? Why can't we be naturally elated and charged with positive energy?

This is my personal battle with God and religion. Why the pain and suffering? Why do we have to hurt to feel the love and appreciate the good things in our lives? Are we so greedy and self involved we actually have to be taught to love through anguish?

Free will seems to be realistically defined as a constant lesson in love and hurt. The road less traveled seems to have become infinite and permeated with love and enchantment. Shouldn't love be our first choice rather than our last resort?

I, for one, am determined to defy the binds of daily monotony and keep moving forward. There has to be a certain level of contrast to see the difference between anything. But, we are living to a ridiculous extreme in this day and age. Were we pushed to this point or did we push the forces to put us here? I want to believe everything I've been through, I've directed. But that idea lacks logic because I know I am not in 100% control at all times.

Hellmann's Mayonnaise

So, 8500 brand items to be put BACK on the shelves at Walmart after a drastic reduction. Aside from the obvious here, Glade "trigger" handle products have been restored to their "roll out" sanctity in the most prestigious of super skankdified markets. What brand of saucy, white goodness would not want to be seen on the shelves graced by the presence of men (and women) in Tuxedo embossed tee shirts with cut off shorts and visible thongs snuggly tucked into an ass infused with cottage cheese and deep desire for Summer's Eve?

Who the hell doesn't carry Hellmann's Mayonnaise? That should actually be classified as anti-American. Hellmann's was a condiment pioneer. Why would you ever think egg fortified jizz swizzle without seeing that lovely blue and yellow label?

I think the wronged party here should actually be Hellmann's. They made their way out of this discount Hell only to be brought back to the orphanage. They were reaching their little splooge laced fingers from the depths of dirty sex jokes just to be dragged back into the incestuous alley of carnage and clearance.

I for one, have a new respect for this spunked mixture of dairy and preservatives. All hail Hellmann's mayonnaise and a hope for future generations that shun the likes of the newly anti-American "Walmart". Roll this mother fucker!!!!

Goodnight Gracie - New State of Mind

I just spent the most amazing weekend in the most "boring" way. I have this new guy in my life and we just spent the most wonderful three days together. We laughed, smiled, watched silly movies, held hands, walked and giggled. I can't get him off my mind. After two months of very intimate talks and silliness, We were finally face to face. Nothing I could have imagined would have added up to what I have had these past few days. 

Between all the complications of daily life and stereotypes, I had forgotten what it was like to feel something without expectation rather than expect something without feeling.

That first moment... That first kiss. It was really something. Being enveloped in his arms and his lips is something I don't know I've ever had with that level of intensity before. 

This man's laugh and his passion make me realize how much I've been missing without him. I never missed much aside from recycling, the joy of fuel efficient cars and shallow emotional interjections the past couple years. And what could this be? 

My goal is to see my reflection when I look into someone else's eyes. I hope this blog will become a way for me to document my feelings and I really hope it will involve him.