I'm so frustrated... How did I get here? I'm bitter and pretty much alone. I call the most recent date victim and all I want to do is cry. I can't tell him what I'm feeling cause that's pretty fucking weak. I can't feel what I'm feeling cause that could mean I'd tell him. Instead, I'm gonna bottle it all up, beat the shit out of my innocent pillow and hope somewhere in my temper tantrum I find peace enough to keep pushing the waves of emotion out of my life.
Let's see... This year started out SO promising... I had two amazing potential step daughters, a seeming mutual adoration with a man who really frosted my cookies and a promising move to the west coast to share my life with a man who had been trying to ring my bell for 16 years. And what happened? Oh yeah, he was full of shit.
Next...
Off the cusp of painful heartbreak and lost hope, a new man comes into the picture. He's pretty cool since he has no kids and seems stable. Kinda start to like him but keep him at a distance since I don't do relationships that involve being within 900 miles of one another. BINGO! He's great. After a couple weekends and hundreds of hours of talking and joking, we spend two consecutive weeks together having the most amazing time. Lots of laughing, cuddling and wine. And what happens??? He suddenly becomes emotionally unavailable.
Now, I'm trying something new and am reminded why I do long distance. The lonely is the same either way. The advantage of distance is knowing the lonely can be explained and imminently blamed on the distance. Without the distance, one can only assume the problem is ourselves. This is the most painful realization of all. Coming to this sort of epiphany should be illegal. Knowing you are your own worst enemy is criminal.
At this point, what can I even do? Every day is a fight to stop loving one man and an all out brawl to not even try to love a new one. It's good the new one seems to be uninterested in me all together. Apparently we're just passing the time. So I say, Merry Christmas. Kiss his ass. Kiss my ass. Happy Hanukkah.
Let's see... This year started out SO promising... I had two amazing potential step daughters, a seeming mutual adoration with a man who really frosted my cookies and a promising move to the west coast to share my life with a man who had been trying to ring my bell for 16 years. And what happened? Oh yeah, he was full of shit.
Next...
Off the cusp of painful heartbreak and lost hope, a new man comes into the picture. He's pretty cool since he has no kids and seems stable. Kinda start to like him but keep him at a distance since I don't do relationships that involve being within 900 miles of one another. BINGO! He's great. After a couple weekends and hundreds of hours of talking and joking, we spend two consecutive weeks together having the most amazing time. Lots of laughing, cuddling and wine. And what happens??? He suddenly becomes emotionally unavailable.
Now, I'm trying something new and am reminded why I do long distance. The lonely is the same either way. The advantage of distance is knowing the lonely can be explained and imminently blamed on the distance. Without the distance, one can only assume the problem is ourselves. This is the most painful realization of all. Coming to this sort of epiphany should be illegal. Knowing you are your own worst enemy is criminal.
At this point, what can I even do? Every day is a fight to stop loving one man and an all out brawl to not even try to love a new one. It's good the new one seems to be uninterested in me all together. Apparently we're just passing the time. So I say, Merry Christmas. Kiss his ass. Kiss my ass. Happy Hanukkah.
