Coming Home

My little baby is coming home on Tuesday. He has spent his first Summer with his father in NYC. His father who, first the first time in my eyes, may have more to offer him.

From the Top.

It's hard to justify being in the last year of your 20's and not on the verge of having everything you wanted or thought you wanted in life. If I were a single woman with no kids, that would mean a college degree, that 700 square foot condo in the city, that job you've dreamed of, that Wednesday night pilates class you hate and that man you meet for wine and sushi on Friday nights... Just cause he's sorta cute.

But, I'm that girl who took a leap before she looked, tumbled into being a Mama and fell in love with Friday night dinner and Disney. The college degree turned into high school diploma. The condo turned into an apartment in the suburbs. The dream job turned into what paid the bills. Pilates class? Haha. The wine and sushi with the cute man became fish sticks and Kool Aid with the 8 year old man of her heart..

And... I'm pretty sure I'm happier than I would have been with the things I thought I wanted. But, is my son? He has spent 10 weeks being a family with his father and soon to be stepmother. He's had a mother and father figure in his life, at the same time, for the first time. Two people I'm certain will be a consistent role in his life. And what do I offer him? A couple life insurance policies where the suicide clause has expired?

Sometimes, it really sucks feeling this way. Wondering if you made the best decisions. Did you choose selfishly? Is your son happy having just his mother each day and his father 900 miles away? What if the boy comes home and all he wants is a family you don't have for him? Having my baby so far from me for so long is scary. All I want is to get Ethan home and do what is best for him. Would that mean giving him up to his Father? I really hope not. My heart couldn't take it. For the first time in his life, I'm worried he would choose his Father over me.