What do I do now?

I dumped another emotionally unavailable guy. At least this time it was me putting it away.

Rewind to Friday night.

I reconnected with someone I thought I'd be married to from 12 years ago. Lots of crap happened, things ended badly and here we are now. Him divorced and me... Still single. Lots of admissions of love and blah blah blah. Promises of changing things and blah blah blah. Nice to hear and entertaining, but probably empty. I mean what I say but most people don't follow that same principle. But one thing really hit home with me. I'd rather leave what I have right now for probable nothing.

So, apparently what I've been devoting myself to for two months is empty, meaningless bullshit and I am still in love with someone who broke my heart to literal pieces 12 years ago. I think I need therapy. I know I don't believe him. I know he's gonna break my heart again. It did make me remember how it felt to be adored - fake or not.

I think back on the past twelve months and see how much I have put myself out there for love. I tried over and over again and it has gotten me right where I am right now. I don't believe in anyone's so called love for me. Cause it's just steaming garbage. What I have learned is not to do anything for a man. They don't appreciate it anyway. Then, once you've done all you can, they leave you when you need them the most, marry someone else or let you know you made no impact and they'll never regret not having more of you. And all three happened in a span of years before... But to have all three happen within a twelve month span in 2011 makes me think perhaps it's a sign to get the hell out of the game. It's like winning the love loser lottery. Except I really didn't gain anything.

Well, fucking ouch.

Merry Fucking Christmas...

I'm so frustrated... How did I get here? I'm bitter and pretty much alone. I call the most recent date victim and all I want to do is cry. I can't tell him what I'm feeling cause that's pretty fucking weak. I can't feel what I'm feeling cause that could mean I'd tell him. Instead, I'm gonna bottle it all up, beat the shit out of my innocent pillow and hope somewhere in my temper tantrum I find peace enough to keep pushing the waves of emotion out of my life.

Let's see... This year started out SO promising... I had two amazing potential step daughters, a seeming mutual adoration with a man who really frosted my cookies and a promising move to the west coast to share my life with a man who had been trying to ring my bell for 16 years. And what happened? Oh yeah, he was full of shit.

Next...

Off the cusp of painful heartbreak and lost hope, a new man comes into the picture. He's pretty cool since he has no kids and seems stable. Kinda start to like him but keep him at a distance since I don't do relationships that involve being within 900 miles of one another. BINGO! He's great. After a couple weekends and hundreds of hours of talking and joking, we spend two consecutive weeks together having the most amazing time. Lots of laughing, cuddling and wine. And what happens??? He suddenly becomes emotionally unavailable.

Now, I'm trying something new and am reminded why I do long distance. The lonely is the same either way. The advantage of distance is knowing the lonely can be explained and imminently blamed on the distance. Without the distance, one can only assume the problem is ourselves. This is the most painful realization of all. Coming to this sort of epiphany should be illegal. Knowing you are your own worst enemy is criminal.

At this point, what can I even do? Every day is a fight to stop loving one man and an all out brawl to not even try to love a new one. It's good the new one seems to be uninterested in me all together. Apparently we're just passing the time. So I say, Merry Christmas. Kiss his ass. Kiss my ass. Happy Hanukkah. 

Where'd ya go??

OMG!! (Scream) OMG!!

What the hell is wrong with some men? They want the perfect girl to be the perfect mother, who cooks the perfect food, who cleans the perfect house perfectly, who gives the perfect blow jobs and actually believes sex cures headaches rather than makes them worse. RIGHT HERE BOYS!!! Now, where is the perfect man with the perfect set of balls to shut up and appreciate it? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Yeah... I hear crickets chirping. If I hear one more man complain about his wife who don't give it up, don't cook and has a headache three times a week and twice on Friday night, I'm gonna tell that rat bastard he asked for it. He married the wrong woman and left the right one wondering what the hell she did wrong. Now, she's a bitter, old maid with three cats. Yeah, bitter old maid here. Fuck you Ben times two and most recently the Shiff. When you are all married to your perfect wives, tell me how your perfect dick feels when it's only love is your perfect right hand and a hooker with no morals. Enjoy asshats. I'll just buy love in Duracel stock. Good luck supporting your misery and her shopping bill. Dumbasses...    

Coming Home

My little baby is coming home on Tuesday. He has spent his first Summer with his father in NYC. His father who, first the first time in my eyes, may have more to offer him.

From the Top.

It's hard to justify being in the last year of your 20's and not on the verge of having everything you wanted or thought you wanted in life. If I were a single woman with no kids, that would mean a college degree, that 700 square foot condo in the city, that job you've dreamed of, that Wednesday night pilates class you hate and that man you meet for wine and sushi on Friday nights... Just cause he's sorta cute.

But, I'm that girl who took a leap before she looked, tumbled into being a Mama and fell in love with Friday night dinner and Disney. The college degree turned into high school diploma. The condo turned into an apartment in the suburbs. The dream job turned into what paid the bills. Pilates class? Haha. The wine and sushi with the cute man became fish sticks and Kool Aid with the 8 year old man of her heart..

And... I'm pretty sure I'm happier than I would have been with the things I thought I wanted. But, is my son? He has spent 10 weeks being a family with his father and soon to be stepmother. He's had a mother and father figure in his life, at the same time, for the first time. Two people I'm certain will be a consistent role in his life. And what do I offer him? A couple life insurance policies where the suicide clause has expired?

Sometimes, it really sucks feeling this way. Wondering if you made the best decisions. Did you choose selfishly? Is your son happy having just his mother each day and his father 900 miles away? What if the boy comes home and all he wants is a family you don't have for him? Having my baby so far from me for so long is scary. All I want is to get Ethan home and do what is best for him. Would that mean giving him up to his Father? I really hope not. My heart couldn't take it. For the first time in his life, I'm worried he would choose his Father over me.

Time Tramples

Apparently time doesn't pause for anything or anyone. The 24 hours of the day just keep coming like a freight train with no regard for what stands in the way of the track or who is noticing. And I guess if it didn't, there'd be no life to live for all the stops along the way. It's just the way of it.

I decided to join a group that notifies me when a classmate has been lost to circumstance and no longer makes memories with us. I saw a name there who was in life of very little importance to me as we really didn't cross each other often. But seeing his name amongst the list of people gone really hit home for me.

I didn't graduate with my class as I would have liked to. Unknowingly, I had an eye exam with Dr. White on the day of his son's graduation - the same day I would have graduated myself. I remember seeing the pride on his face and the joy in his heart over his son making it through what I'm sure a parent sees as a milestone and a chance to breathe and think you've almost completed your journey.

At the time, I felt nothing but twinges of regret and jealousy for what lay ahead for Barclay. In my young mind, he had rounded Park Avenue and I was sitting somewhere between GO and St. James Place. Barclay had done all the right things, walked the right paths and was now on his way to college, freedom and success. At that moment, I put him on a pedestal where I would have liked to have been had I made better decisions.

I saw us on two different planes of life. My life was somehow going in a cruel twisted direction that happened to me while Barclay's life was being handed to him in a silver spoon. I felt such jealousy in my heart wishing my life had been as steady as his. Or that my father was the one so proud to see me graduate that day. It never dawned on me his life could be cut shorter than mine. It never occurred to me Barclay would be the one to never get married, have children, a career and a lifetime of memories to pass on to his grandchildren. I was too wrapped up in a moment of envy for what he could have as opposed to what I could make for myself.

I don't know when he was taken from his family and friends or how. But, the impact of knowing he's gone is giving me a fresh perspective on my life which I may never have had before. I don't know if life is what we make it like those "choose your ending" books we read as kids. Is it what we choose or are we subject to destiny? By all accounts, Barclay should be the one here right now. But I'm here instead. I am not worthy of keeping Barclay's memory. We barely knew one another. But I will keep my memory of him in my own account and try to never forget the gift I have been given to see life in my corner after all the times I've forsaken it.

New York City

One of my very dear friends and I have been planning a trip to NYC for almost three months now. But, some circumstances changed and my friend may not be able to join. And I understand 100% because the trip has somehow morphed into her accompanying me rather than us going together. So, I totally get that and understand.

Here's my dilemma. I bring it up to the man. He says to me, don't worry about it babe. We'll talk about it tonight. Well... It's tonight. We briefly talked about it because I made some alternate suggestions which he is apparently shooting down. That to me is me talking and him answering. It's not a discussion.

What the hell with the relationships with no boundaries? Is this even a relationship? I could be totally kidding myself about this entire thing. Maybe it's just a good time to him or maybe he's too busy for me. I really don't know. I'm done feeling emotionally exhausted and waiting for someone who loves me more than I do them.

I might rather just take Ethan to NYC, spend a couple days with the man and then just go home and save my vacation for Ethan's sick days in the next school year. Am I ever gonna be more than Ethan's mama? Cause that works fine but I need to stop caring about anyone else, join the PTA and focus on my life instead of including anyone else in it.

Judgment Day... Dun Dun DUHHHH!!!

Seriously? Anyone who believes the rapture will be announced in Time Magazine is a moron. If you're still here on Saturday, it's not because you're evil. It's because this stuff is not going to be announced on NPR and warnings will not be flashed across the bottom of your television like a tornado. If anyone of these sheep is a learned member of so-called, and loosely at that, Christian society, you ought to know better - you fool.

It is very clearly written we will not know the time of Jesus' return. That is clear, doesn't require translation and pretty free from "interpretation". It's not like a lot of the grey areas that occur in the Bible.

I am not a non-believer because I criticize your stupidity either. I just know better. The people who believe this nonsense are the same ones who smell the air when you already told them it stinks. They are the same idiots who fall for same pranks as a kindergartners.

Has it occurred to anyone else it's possible this is a media event? What ads are you seeing when you click on these streams of apocalyptic madness? Tide laundry detergent didn't random show up there... (for example only) They are funding it because you're going to click on it and you'll think, "Wow... The new Mr. Clean with Febreze that smells like a New Zealand sunshine sounds really nice right about now...". Stop being scared little sheep!  Take a stand for yourself. Don't rely on the media to dictate your life and your thoughts. Have a couple of your own for God's sake! Being a follower is dangerous!!!!!!!!

Ask yourself... Why didn't someone tell us the world was gonna end a month ago? It's because their publicist hadn't thought of it yet.