Time Tramples

Apparently time doesn't pause for anything or anyone. The 24 hours of the day just keep coming like a freight train with no regard for what stands in the way of the track or who is noticing. And I guess if it didn't, there'd be no life to live for all the stops along the way. It's just the way of it.

I decided to join a group that notifies me when a classmate has been lost to circumstance and no longer makes memories with us. I saw a name there who was in life of very little importance to me as we really didn't cross each other often. But seeing his name amongst the list of people gone really hit home for me.

I didn't graduate with my class as I would have liked to. Unknowingly, I had an eye exam with Dr. White on the day of his son's graduation - the same day I would have graduated myself. I remember seeing the pride on his face and the joy in his heart over his son making it through what I'm sure a parent sees as a milestone and a chance to breathe and think you've almost completed your journey.

At the time, I felt nothing but twinges of regret and jealousy for what lay ahead for Barclay. In my young mind, he had rounded Park Avenue and I was sitting somewhere between GO and St. James Place. Barclay had done all the right things, walked the right paths and was now on his way to college, freedom and success. At that moment, I put him on a pedestal where I would have liked to have been had I made better decisions.

I saw us on two different planes of life. My life was somehow going in a cruel twisted direction that happened to me while Barclay's life was being handed to him in a silver spoon. I felt such jealousy in my heart wishing my life had been as steady as his. Or that my father was the one so proud to see me graduate that day. It never dawned on me his life could be cut shorter than mine. It never occurred to me Barclay would be the one to never get married, have children, a career and a lifetime of memories to pass on to his grandchildren. I was too wrapped up in a moment of envy for what he could have as opposed to what I could make for myself.

I don't know when he was taken from his family and friends or how. But, the impact of knowing he's gone is giving me a fresh perspective on my life which I may never have had before. I don't know if life is what we make it like those "choose your ending" books we read as kids. Is it what we choose or are we subject to destiny? By all accounts, Barclay should be the one here right now. But I'm here instead. I am not worthy of keeping Barclay's memory. We barely knew one another. But I will keep my memory of him in my own account and try to never forget the gift I have been given to see life in my corner after all the times I've forsaken it.

New York City

One of my very dear friends and I have been planning a trip to NYC for almost three months now. But, some circumstances changed and my friend may not be able to join. And I understand 100% because the trip has somehow morphed into her accompanying me rather than us going together. So, I totally get that and understand.

Here's my dilemma. I bring it up to the man. He says to me, don't worry about it babe. We'll talk about it tonight. Well... It's tonight. We briefly talked about it because I made some alternate suggestions which he is apparently shooting down. That to me is me talking and him answering. It's not a discussion.

What the hell with the relationships with no boundaries? Is this even a relationship? I could be totally kidding myself about this entire thing. Maybe it's just a good time to him or maybe he's too busy for me. I really don't know. I'm done feeling emotionally exhausted and waiting for someone who loves me more than I do them.

I might rather just take Ethan to NYC, spend a couple days with the man and then just go home and save my vacation for Ethan's sick days in the next school year. Am I ever gonna be more than Ethan's mama? Cause that works fine but I need to stop caring about anyone else, join the PTA and focus on my life instead of including anyone else in it.

Judgment Day... Dun Dun DUHHHH!!!

Seriously? Anyone who believes the rapture will be announced in Time Magazine is a moron. If you're still here on Saturday, it's not because you're evil. It's because this stuff is not going to be announced on NPR and warnings will not be flashed across the bottom of your television like a tornado. If anyone of these sheep is a learned member of so-called, and loosely at that, Christian society, you ought to know better - you fool.

It is very clearly written we will not know the time of Jesus' return. That is clear, doesn't require translation and pretty free from "interpretation". It's not like a lot of the grey areas that occur in the Bible.

I am not a non-believer because I criticize your stupidity either. I just know better. The people who believe this nonsense are the same ones who smell the air when you already told them it stinks. They are the same idiots who fall for same pranks as a kindergartners.

Has it occurred to anyone else it's possible this is a media event? What ads are you seeing when you click on these streams of apocalyptic madness? Tide laundry detergent didn't random show up there... (for example only) They are funding it because you're going to click on it and you'll think, "Wow... The new Mr. Clean with Febreze that smells like a New Zealand sunshine sounds really nice right about now...". Stop being scared little sheep!  Take a stand for yourself. Don't rely on the media to dictate your life and your thoughts. Have a couple of your own for God's sake! Being a follower is dangerous!!!!!!!!

Ask yourself... Why didn't someone tell us the world was gonna end a month ago? It's because their publicist hadn't thought of it yet.

Love

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not boastful or proud.

We all know these words like our Mama's cooking. How many of us really live it out? I know I don't. There are some people in my life I dislike to such a degree that it literally poisons my soul and keeps my heart locked up with anger and misunderstanding.

Freedom of the heart comes when you forgive people who have wronged you, ask forgiveness from those you've wronged and stop being pissed at people who didn't ask your forgiveness when they should have. How can we give our hearts to someone else if it's not free from the confines of our own misunderstanding and bitterness?

I have learned if I do not give freely of my heart and hold a person to my ideals and standards, it will never be more than a moment of selfishness that eventually blossoms into spite. While no one is me, they are are not no one. I cannot hold others down to what I think they should be.

I am learning through myself, my dear friends and my mistakes that love is not ever going to be what we seek it to be. Love is what happens when we stop trying to control it. It's a force that pulls us together when we think our hearts have been emptied. But it's when we're empty that we can be open to be filled up with something new.

My love and strength are renewed when I think I've been broken because it's then I recognize the people in my life who fill the holes people have made in my heart. Love is not what we make of it but what it makes of us. It's the friends we make who become family and lovers who become friends.

Let's hold each other close. Love one another like it's the last time we'll ever love and bring in each new day with passion and joy. Doing or giving less is robbing yourself and those around you of a potential last second, moment, hour, day, week, month or year of fulfillment. We have to stop being each other's own worst enemy.